Dear Masculinity… Give us back our tears.

I fear we have wasted them on the wrong thing, and we have none left to shed for real sorrow, pain, joy and regret. If you have followed the hockey headlines for the last few weeks you would know that the Las Vegas Knights recently lost the Stanley Cup to the Carolina Hurricanes. One of the bylines of the loss by Las Vegas surrounded their goalie, Carter Hart. Carter Harter will go down in NHL statistical history as putting up one of the worst performances by a goalie in the Finals. The other byline, far more importantly, about Hart is that he is one of the most famous of the Canadian Junior hockey team members who was acquitted of rape charges of which he and his teammates were most certainly guilty (they made a documentary about it). The failure of the law to protect and give justice to women and girls violated by men and boys is not a new story. The lack of justice this particular woman received is unfortunately typical.

During the Stanley Cup playoff finals the Carolina fans began to chant “No Means No” which seemed to overwhelm Carter Hart and thus lead to his poor performance on the ice. Any hockey enthusiast will tell you it is impossible to win a championship without great goaltending. The Edmonton Oilers championships in the 1980s is often credited to the now “un-great one” (IYKYK) Wayne Gretzky but is really more attributed to the Black goalie Grant Fuhr who kept all the other teams at bay. Carter Hart, going into the series was seen as that kind of quality goalie. If only that he was highly drafted and signed to a significant contract despite all the evidence that he was a rapist. At the end of the series and the loss by the Las Vegas Knights, Carter Hart was seen openly crying on the ice at the end of the game that clinched the championship for Carolina. His teammates were seen offering condolences on the ice with pats on the back and hugs. Before we attribute this to Karma, retribution or comeuppance for his criminal and horrible violence let’s pause and think about when we see men cry and what they may be crying for or about.

Men, stereotypically, are not allowed to cry socially. Boys are told to be tough, toughen up, man-up with regards to their feelings and emotions. Hold them in. Hold them at bay at least until no one can see you. But sports is one of those few spaces where men are allowed to exhibit emotion. Sports is one of the few places where men are allowed to cry openly. Sadness and joy can be expressed “genuinely” through sport. The tear-streaked face of the man on the podium. Hand on heart. Gold medal (can’t cry if you were second) hanging around your neck.  National anthem playing. Flag waving in the background. Go ahead cry your eyes out. In the stands, the bar, and on the field/ice/pitch/court other men cry along with you. Their tears are also a thank you for giving them the freedom to do something they are usually shamed about. There is no shame in embracing in joy or sorrow when your team wins or loses. But this can go awry as masculinity often does because boys and men are not taught how to handle their emotions in healthy ways. Almost every major sporting event that involves only men increases the likelihood of domestic violence. Men, angry at the loss of their team, are unable to emotionally regulate and process the emotions they have held in check most of their lives that is now bursting out of them uncontrollably. The Super Bowl weekend has the highest rate/incidence of domestic violence in the United States for a given weekend of the year. Similar patterns exist for soccer/futbol in other parts of the world. Major sporting events like the Men’s World Cup and the Olympics see a significant increase in sex work alongside domestic violence. Men are often taught to seek joy and solace through sex rather than through discourse. Sad and angry men seeking sex instead of conversation will rarely end well for their sexual (raped) partners. Happy and joyous men who seek sex to express their emotions and feel entitled to sex because they are “joyous” also can end poorly for their sexual (raped) partners. Boys and men are rarely taught about intimacy. They are mostly taught about penetration and climaxing. Their own self-gratification is more important than the feelings or sexual satisfaction of their potential intimate partner. If in their joy or sadness they are rejected or their sexual advances are spurned that joy or sadness can quickly turn to anger and violence.

I wish that the Carolina fans were chanting because they truly supported the survivors of sexual violence. That their chanting was more than an attempt to distract a man who was good at playing goalie so that their team could win. We have all been to way too many sporting events where the crowd does and says (yells) things to distract the opposing team. We have seen athletes distracted and disturbed by these behaviors and perform poorly. And we often cheer and rejoice at their poor performance because it could bring us joy to watch our team win. So, while there were obviously some fans who truly chanted in support of the woman whom Carter Hart violated and used one of the largest and most significant sporting stages to draw attention to the lack of justice for this woman, unfortunately sport fans are way too “practical” and many (if not most) I am sure joined in just because a poor performance could mean a win for Carolina. And it clearly worked. But the ends and the means are not necessarily connected here. Did their chanting bring about revelations amongst the men in the crowd and watching on TV of the harms and ills of gender-based violence? Did men commit themselves to fighting and rejecting sexism and the patriarchy? Were there vows pledged to be different? To raise their sons better? Not likely. True justice, if not received in the courts, should have been a reluctance to sign Carter Hart to a contract by any NHL team. Before anyone says that’s too harsh look at Colin Kaepernick’s blacklisting for kneeling. Justice could have looked like his Las Vegas teammates refusing to allow someone like Carter Hart to play with them (but then some of them might have to confront their own problematic and sexist behavior). Justice could have looked like the Las Vegas fan base chanting “No Means No” hoping he would play bad enough and get pulled from the series and willing to give up the Stanley Cup championship. Justice could have looked like the same fans refusing to buy tickets and attend games while he was still a member of the team. Justice could have looked like the Carolina fans and any teams the Knights faced refusing to attend games in which he was scheduled to play. But that justice did not happen.

I wish that Carter Hart was crying because he now felt regret and disgust at his and his teammates’ violent behavior in raping that woman. In a post-game interview when asked about the chants he replied, “That it was just noise”. Rape and injustice were “just noise”? I wish his teammates were offering condolences because they knew how horrible he felt about what he had done to her and were supporting him on his road to an admission of guilt, reconciliation and reparation for the harm he caused. But alas, I fear his tears were only because he didn’t play hockey well enough. That he let his fellow men down on his team, in the front office, in the stands and at home who desperately wanted the Las Vegas Knights to win the game. He had no tears left for the woman he raped. Those sacred, special, limited tears were for the men in his life who wanted/needed him to win a hockey game.